Top Morons

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2011

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.

Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts!

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart."

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket. (Hellooooooo )!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour
east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22-foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver,
no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby
marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and
the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina
guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on
water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

My youngest son made this for me, what a guy!

Thanks Son! =D

Wasteful Older Generation

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day." The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment." He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day. In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day. Back then, they had one TV, or radio in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. They cut up their own fruits and vegetables because they didn't have a food processor. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then. They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

Paraprosdokian Sentences

A  paraprosdokian (from Greek  meaning "beyond" and , meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

-   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

-   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

-   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 -   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

-   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

-   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

-   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

-   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

-   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

-   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

-   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

-   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

-   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

-   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

-   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

-   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

-   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

-   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

-   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

-   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

-   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

-   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

-   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

-   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

-   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

-   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

-   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Teenagers and Cats

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Hypothetical Moral/Ethical Dilemma

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: ""I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.""

Never forget to ""Think Outside of the Box."

Winter In Russia (I'll never complain again)

15 Strange New Uses For VODKA!

From Strange Cosmos...

Strange Robert Orben Quotes:

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

==================================
 15 Strange New Uses For VODKA!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.  The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.  The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.  Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me. I've only been drinking the stuff!!!

So I invested in a couple albums... Securities Fraud Fail!

So some may know that I love listening to music. A couple years back a good friend of mine approached me with an opportunity to invest in an album of previously unreleased works by Jimmy Hendrix (http://www.myspace.com/jimispeaks). I was told that it was a collection of spoken word pieces that had been unreleased to the public and that the release of this material would mean tremendous sales, and depending on my investment I could make up to a dollar per album sold. They planned to release just before the Christmas shopping season through direct marketing and brick-and-mortar record stores, (hadn't caught on to the ITunes store as a sales channel yet, it seems). Nevertheless I bit. I opted for the lesser amount providing a return of half a "point" per album (fifty cents), signed the investment agreement (promising quarterly sales reports to me), wrote a fat check to Mr. Marino DeSilva (http://www.iconzofrock.com/), and anxiously awaited the album release and sales reports. Well the album dropped on time and we got a few copies of the album. It turns out it was not original works of Jimmy Hendrix but a collection of some poorly recorded interviews by a swedish writer with Jimmy Hendrix. I listened to it once and felt pretty burned. I then started making requests for the sales reports to indicate if anyone else would be buying the album. These sales reports never materialized but before too long I was approached again by my good friend describing a new opportunity that was much better than the previous. This was for a Rolling Stones compilation including unreleased works and collaborations with Johnny Depp, Bruce Willis, among others... (http://angelsonearthfoundation.org/musicstore.html) duped again, No sales reports no sales, and the CD copies that were begrudgingly shared were packaged in a DVD type case instead of a CD jewel case. I don't buy CDs in DVD cases, that's stupid. I doubt anyone else does either. 

Nevertheless I ignored my instincts that this was a crap operation and considered YET ANOTHER offer by my good friend. This was for the release of some previously unreleased BEATLES works. The release of this album would also be in conjunction with a new movie based on John Lennon's life and was currently in production with VH1 films; this release would also be through mainstream channels including the Itunes store. This one seemed much much better than the previous but had a higher price per point. I bit again, cashed in my meager retirement savings and signed it over, once again, to Mr. Marino DeSilva. I received a few status updates through my friend of this and other ventures that he and Mr. Marino were becoming involved in. Ventures like a new Las Vegas night club, potential investors in Dubai, etc. Much like any sales reports, these ventures never materialized either and my friend is no longer working with Marino DeSilva.

Today I received a blind-forwarded message from my (still) good friend including a message from another party describing something that's going on. Unfortunately the message was dated more than a month prior to the current date. Thanks friend...

~Message Excerpt~

You really need to speak to John Arana at the Nevada AG's office. His info is below. Just give him a call to set a time, it'll take about all of 15 min. He wants as many people as possible to have made statements against Marino, so get this to Jan as well.

I found out that they will get a felony conviction for up to 20 yrs. and that would be contingent upon the most amount of complaints. We are also in line for any assets he may have.

This guy even went to his house! He also said he's done time before, filed for bankruptcy and other arrests. Don't wait just give him a call.

~End Excerpt~

So I called and left my number and let them know it was regarding an investigation into Mr. Marino DeSilva's investment practices. I also asked my good friend (yet still), if he had any information or perspective, I asked what's going on. I think he feels guilty for pulling me into this scam that he was helping to pro-generate. Oh well, he certainly helped sell me quite a bill of goods and didn't have my back much when the shit came apart. I'm interested to know what he has to say, if anything.

Then I did a little more searching and I found a blog by Michael Gray describing the problems he's had with a similar album release. In this case it was a boxed set of works by an early blues musician named Blind Willie McTell. His blog can be found here: http://is.gd/gbykN

To give some perspective, Larry Cohn is a well known promoter and production mogul that has a fairly illustrious background and parted ways with Marino a couple years back. The Beatles material was supposedly acquired during that separation.

This is an excerpt from some correspondence posted there on Michael Gray's Blog (http://is.gd/gbykN) :

From: Cohnnotb4x@aol.com

Date: 28 July 2008 18:06:39 BST

Subject:Blind Willie McTell Boxed Set.

To All:

I'm not sure as exactly how to begin this, so I'll just say that I am sorry beyond words as to what has happened regarding the Blind

Willie McTell project and I accept complete, unconditional blame. By way of explaination:

{Some of you may be aware of the following and if so, I ask that you bear with me while I review the situation.}

13 Months ago we discovered quite by accident that the German company that was financing

CohnDeSilva, had been duped by my former partner Marino DeSilva into sending $500,000 that was to be for the McTell project, into an account that he maintained under another name and which had absolutely nothing to do with Larry Cohn, CohnDeSilva or the Blind Willie McTell Boxed set project. [There's a further amount of $128,000 involved; I'll spare everyone details.]

For the last 13 months since this was uncovered, I've been faced with huge legal bills in order to

dissolve CohnDeSilva and in this regard, the State of California has many, many requirements, and gives the advantage to the person against whom the action is being brought. The cost to me both financially and emotionally has been unbelievable. Further, after 2 years of trying to obtain the McTell Subscribers list from my former partner, I only received

it last week and this as a result of a Court Order. All of the funds received from Subscribers went to

my former partner who to this day unbelievably refuses to account for the monies and further, refuses

to restore the funds {to me} for distribution back to everyone. So to the point: the obligation is now mine. We are in process of speaking to various people about

the prospect of new financing and that being said, I ask that you all bear with me and accept my promise that no one will lose their money; either the Box will be completed and all subscribers will receive same or if I see that it is not going to happen, I will refund everyone's money out of my own pocket. At the moment, I am still paying legal bills and require some much needed time.

I can not even begin relate to everyone my sorrow and shame and the fact that I trusted someone has caused me unspeakable grief. Those of you who know me, well I don't think that I have to make a case for my character & honesty.

Those of you who don't know me personally or who have never dealt with me, please contact those who know me for a fair evaluation of my efforts and my dealings with people over the years. I shall keep everyone informed every step of the way, from this point forward, and thank everyone for taking the time to read this angst-ridden EMail.

Sincerely to all,

Larry Cohn

Mr. Gray also goes on to include his opinion of Mr. Cohn. I have included this only for amusement as I agree that in my personal experience these music big shots all appear to be douche bags.

Mr. Gray:

Which is all very well, except that (a) from July until November is an awfully long time for Mr. Cohn to have the subscribers list back in his possession and still not have contacted everyone on it to give them all this information, and a further update, individually; and (b) speaking as a person who has had some experience of dealing with Mr. Cohn personally, I think a fair evaluation would be that he's belligerent, ego-centric, touchy, ill-tempered and impetuous. But that's just my opinion.

Al Bowman, LA Music Awards Founder, Larry Cohn, Sony VP and Marino De Silva of Angels on Earth Foundation at the Ritz Carlton, Marina del Rey, CA

So that's the latest of my ill-fated music investment venture. I'll post updates here as they develop. I'm so glad that I didn't push the friends I told to invest in this scam; I don't think I could have forgiven myself easily. I'm going to work on forgiving myself for throwing so much good money after bad. Marino DeSilva is a crook and I'm not all that impressed with his production capabilities or supposed talents. But that, is also my opinion.