Top Morons

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2011

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.

Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts!

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart."

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket. (Hellooooooo )!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour
east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22-foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver,
no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby
marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and
the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina
guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on
water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

My youngest son made this for me, what a guy!

Thanks Son! =D

Wasteful Older Generation

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day." The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment." He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day. In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day. Back then, they had one TV, or radio in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. They cut up their own fruits and vegetables because they didn't have a food processor. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then. They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

Paraprosdokian Sentences

A  paraprosdokian (from Greek  meaning "beyond" and , meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

-   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

-   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

-   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 -   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

-   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

-   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

-   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

-   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

-   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

-   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

-   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

-   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

-   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

-   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

-   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

-   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

-   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

-   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

-   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

-   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

-   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

-   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

-   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

-   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

-   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

-   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

-   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Teenagers and Cats

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.