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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Paraprosdokian Sentences

A  paraprosdokian (from Greek  meaning "beyond" and , meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

-   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

-   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

-   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 -   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

-   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

-   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

-   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

-   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

-   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

-   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

-   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

-   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

-   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

-   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

-   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

-   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

-   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

-   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

-   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

-   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

-   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

-   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

-   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

-   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

-   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

-   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

-   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Teenagers and Cats

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
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